In my group of friends, I am the go to person for unbelievable work stories. Everyone has certain experiences on the job that defy reason, but these situations happen to me constantly. Have you ever watched a movie with a scene that seems unrealistic and can best be described as zany? Those kinds of things happen to me
all the time while I'm innocently trying to earn a paycheck. Most of my stories were definitely not funny when they happened, but I look back on them now and cannot keep from laughing.
I'll start with my stint as a 3rd shift employee at a hotel. Take a minute and think about the possibilities with this one. Yes, they all happened. My favorite story from this job took place during wedding season. The interesting part of working the 11pm to 7am shift is that you get the privilege of seeing people fancied up and ready to go out and have a night on the town; you also see them when they return. On one particular night, I was trying to help a frantic mother of the bride with room assignments for the groomsmen and bridesmaids before they left to hit up the bars. She explained to me that the reception was "dry" because she didn't want that bunch of irresponsible drunkards (the bride and groom's dearest friends) ruining her daughter's special day.
Cut to a mere 3 hours later. Who do I see coming through the front door, but a certain sequined dress wearing mother of the bride. And. She. Looks. Wasted. The embarrassed, and much more sober, wedding party is holding her up, guiding her through the door frame, and trying to keep her flailing arms at her sides. They finally coerce her through the door into the lobby and the laughter begins. Not giggling or chuckling. Hearty guffaws are escaping this tiny woman's mouth for no logical reason. To her, everything in this lobby is amusing. Fake plants? Hilarious! Leather arm chairs? A hoot! Complimentary apples? An absolute riot! At this point, her husband comes up to the front desk and tells us not to be alarmed. Surprisingly, she is not on the brink of alcohol poisoning; in fact, she only had two glasses of wine the whole night. Our favorite drunk 50 year old is just an incredible light weight. Which was a relief. I had been concerned for her safety.
You would think the story calms down at this point. Nope. It's only just beginning. I learned a fun fact about this sweet little woman. She likes to sing. Showtunes. Loudly. So I had a drunk, singing, dancing, and laughing middle aged woman in the center of the lobby at 2:30 in the morning. And she was not making any move to go up to her room. I thought I could persuade her with the gift of a free movie rental and popcorn. Did not work. Next, I promised to deliver fancy chocolates once she was up there. No dice. Then I saw her half closed eyes light up. She was staring at the luggage carts. Before I could distract her, she hopped precariously onto the wheeled contraption and began propelling herself across the marble floor. These are situations that do not get covered during training!
I decided that since the rest of her group had fallen exhausted into the surrounding chairs or slipped into the elevators to go up to their rooms and pretend this never happened, I was very clearly in charge. What does one do when a wealthy, "drunk", middle aged woman, who has paid for
22 rooms in your hotel, begins to tear around the lobby like a determined race car driver? You have to think on your feet. First things first, I had to stop her before she ran over an innocent guest. I tried blocking her route with my body, but realized quickly that I did not get paid enough to do that. Then I started singing with her. I felt like a hostage negotiator. Thankfully this made her slow down long enough to invite me onto the luggage cart with her, although, tellingly, she referred to it as a "go kart." Instead of going for the ride of my life, I told her that a woman of her status shouldn't have to propel her own go kart. I would step in and push her. It just so happens that I pushed her toward the elevator, but she was so excited to have a participant in her drunken shenanigans that she didn't complain.
Up the elevators we went, and I was convinced the insanity was over. But fate had one last idea. A group of drunk frat boys got off the adjacent elevator at the same floor. Have you ever seen a 50 year old woman wearing a sequin covered dress hiked up to reveal a bit too much of her control top pantyhose flirt with 5 preppy fraternity brothers in front of her husband? I have! She eventually requested a kiss on the cheek from each of them. Naturally, the boys took pictures of this. To this day I'm still curious about what they named that particular facebook album.
I finally wheel her to the correct room, help the husband maneuver her to the bed, then turn to leave. Mr. Relieved Husband slips some bills into my hand and I smile gratefully. I earned that tip! To my surprise, it turned out to be a dollar wrapped around his business card with his cell number hastily circled. Because that's how my life goes.
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I think I'm going to share my work stories semi regularly. I still have to tell you all about the vintage shop with no bathroom, the time a 12 year old peed in the shoe store, and the mall security guards riding around on segways. I promise my life isn't a sitcom. But it definitely could be!
